Day 1: The Phantom Menace

There are many reasons I wanted to marry Emily. Yes, she is beautiful, smart, funny, a great person, etc. That's all well and good, but there is an even bigger reason Emily is the person for me: she is the only person in the world who is willing to put up with my crap. And believe me, there's plenty of crap that comes along with me (people that know me well are nodding their heads). For the most part, Emily smooths me out and allows me to be a functional member of society.

When Emily isn't around...this could be bad. I'm kind of like a puppy, I don't do well when I'm left alone. I tear up house plants. I get on the furniture when I shouldn't. I chew on shoes. I drag my butt along the carpet. How will I do for a whole weekend of taking care of Eleanor without Emily around? Let's find out:

Friday, May 2

5:31 AM - Alarm goes off.

5:50 AM - Emily and I start to wake Eleanor up before Gail and Mike pick up Emily. Our emotional good-bye is cut short when Gail and Mike get here early.

6:08 AM - Take Eleanor to Kroger with me to get doughnuts for my social skills group's last meeting. I'm facilitating the group, not participating. The deli guy that always pisses me off has not put the doughnuts in the case yet, so I have to ask. He acts like it's a huge favor for him to offer me product to buy.

6:29 AM - Drop Eleanor off at the babysitter's.

6:45 AM - Bible study with Mike and Pat and Panera. Even though I mix half regular and half decaf, the coffee still makes my butt sweat.

7:30 AM - Off to North Avondale. What happens at North Avondale stays at North Avondale (due to HIPAA restrictions).

1:12 PM - Leave North Avondale and go to the Elet computer lab to do some work. It is hot in there and full of people working noisily. Because I have to poop, I decide to go home and try to work there instead.

1:32 PM - Arrive home, poop, begin to work on take home exams.

3:14 PM - Kristin calls to tell me about how her CCE went. She thinks she's giving me advice and easing my fears about the CCE; she's really pushing me dangerously close to crapping my pants.

3:24 PM - Pick Eleanor up from the babysitter. Michelle says I might not have to change her diaper all weekend because she pooped three times today.

3:31 PM - Arrive home just as the rain starts. Awesome timing, Andy!

3:35 PM - Dinner. For our first course this evening, we will be having tender carrots.

3:47 PM - On to the second course, formula. I also come close to my first cry of the weekend when I bonk her head getting out of the high chair. Luckily my stupid faces (or face in general) distracts her.

4:01 PM - Throw up on Dad.

4:09 PM - Dinner finished. Eleanor and I decide to bounce in the bouncer and play while we listen to Tom Cruise and Oprah kiss each other's butts for an hour.

4:24 PM - Now it's time for Daddy's bottle. His gets a lime in it. I also order pizza from Italianette. Half pepperoni, half Hawaiian.

4:31 PM - Tom and Oprah are annoying us. I switch over to Food Network to see what's going on there. Nice shirt, Giada!

4:38 PM - Feel guilt about watching Giada and playing with Eleanor. We decide to watch last night's episode of The Office again.

4:44 PM - Crack up again at fluffy fingers. The next time Emily and I get in an argument, I'm going to tickle her until we both start laughing and hugging. Then we'll get ice cream cones and go to church.

5:01 PM - Pizza arrives.

5:28 PM - Around the Horn sucks today.

5:31 PM - Hurray, it's Lebatard!

5:49 PM - Eleanor starts rubbing her eyes, telling me she wants a nap. I'm happy to oblige. I might even participate.

6:39 PM - Wake Eleanor up from her nap. Now it's Naked Time!

7:01 PM - Emily's favorite time of the day: bath time.

7:10 PM - Get Eleanor into her pajamas. These things seem kind of small. Maybe tomorrow we will go to the mall and buy lots of things. Hopefully these things we purchase will make up for the fact that we miss Mommy.

7:27 PM - Last meal of the day while listening to the Reds pregame show. Marty's interview with Dusty Baker is pretty funny. Marty says stuff like, "So, Dusty, how are you going to get this ball club to start hitting?" but he's really thinking, "So, Dusty, you've really sucked so far. Good call on picking up Corey Patterson though." Marty Brennaman might be one of the biggest pricks ever, but I will be crushed when he retires.

7:49 PM - Story time. Tonight's stories: Mary gives birth to Jesus; I love you, little one; and Goodnight Moon. We love Goodnight Moon.

7:59 PM - Bedtime.

8:00 PM - Now what?

8:23 PM - That's a really yellow sky. Is there a tornado coming? Or a hurricane? That would suck. I mentally run through what I would have to do in the event of either a tornado or hurricane.

8:29 PM - Yellow sky passes. How about a bourbon? Don't mind if I do. The glass I use for bourbon is from Grandpa Clark's basement. It has the cover of the Cincinnati Enquirer on it from when a tornado hit Cincinnati years ago. It's pretty cool. Bonus points if you can identify who gave this quote: "No one drinks from my whiskey glass and then f---s me over!"

8:40 PM - Work on take home exam while watching the Reds game.

9:01 PM - I can't take the Reds anymore. Begin to flip channels.

10:42 PM - Emily calls while waiting for the cookies to cool.

11:01 PM - Time for bed. I flip around and wait for my eyes to get heavy. Watch Alton Brown make an overly complicated Caesar salad. His shirt is significantly less fun than Giada's.

11:23 PM - Turn out the light.

I need to make a disclaimer. I definitely stole this idea from Buzz Bissenger's favorite blogger, Big Daddy Drew. Or Big Daddy Balls, if you will. He does the running diary thing much better than me, mostly because he's more talented, but also because he allows himself to swear in his blog. I try to limit myself to the occasional 'crap.' I hope you've enjoyed day 1. Check back tomorrow for more.

Day 1 question of the day - How did we do?